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Trucker, Lawyer, and A Priest

Trucker would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the loud, satisfying “THUMP”, and then swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?” “I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest. “No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”




The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer.


However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”

“I know”, replied the priest. “Lucky I got him with the door!”   http://humoropedia.com/funny-trucker-jokes/
 


A BLONDE, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

        "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
        The blonde said "How about 100 dollars?"
        The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
        The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
        The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
        A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
        "You're finished already?" he asked.
        "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
        Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $100, then figured he should go inspect the job first. While on his way out of the house the blonde says to him,
        "And by the way, that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."    
               


HOW TO CHANGE YOUR OIL
Women:
Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
Text or chat with a friend.
15 minutes later, write a check for $35.00 and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Men:
Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
Open a soda and drink it.
Do It Yourself Magazine
Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
In frustration, open another soda and drink it.
Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
Give up and use crescent wrench.
Unscrew drain plug.
Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
Clean up.
Have another soda while oil is draining.
Look for oil filter wrench.
Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
Soda.
Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
Soda. No, drank it all yesterday.
Walk to 7-11; buy more soda.
Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
Remember drain plug from step 11.
Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
Bang head on floor board in reaction.
Begin cussing fit.
Throw wrench.
Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
Soda.
Soda.
Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
Soda.
Lower car from jack stands.
Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
Drive car.
http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Workshop/Jokes2.htm








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